Getting some "ASS"

Another instant classic from African news. Enjoy this article from the leading newspaper in Zimbabwe (click the article to enlarge):

People sometimes have their doubts about the authenticity of some of the videos, images, and especially newspaper clippings that I post. If you'd like further evidence that this is an actual story in a printed newspaper please feel free to visit http://www.newzimbabwe.com/news-6349-Hooker%20turns%20into%20donkey,%20court%20hears/news.aspx.

Zimbabwe - Dry Season

During my trip I visited Zimbabwe for a few days. I've been to Zimbabwe several times before, but never in October/November; I'd only been in March/April/May. The difference is incredible!
All of Africa has seasons based on rainfall and the amount of available water - this greatly effects/dictates the life of both humans and animals. The best way to illustrate the difference is with some short videos.
Here are 2 videos from the exact same viewpoint at Victoria Falls, the world's largest waterfall and one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World.

Victoria Falls, March 2011:

Victoria Falls, October 2011:

I think it's apparent that March is the height of the 'wet' season and October is when Zimbabwe is at it's driest. This also greatly effects the wildlife. During wet season water is readily available anywhere so it's more difficult to see animals (additionally, all of the plants are green and full which hides them). However during dry season animals must travel to the few areas where there is permanent water. This results in huge groups/herds of animals being very easy to find. As I said in an earlier post I saw about 1,000 elephants in just two days. Here's a video with some of my elephant footage:

Ma Nature!

I spent my last couple of days in South Africa at a new camp we represent called Ekuthuleni Lodge. It's in a gorgeous part of the country, but the game viewing isn't as good as many other areas. Anywho, on our first game drive we stopped as the sun was setting for a couple of beers in the middle of the bush. As we were drinking, the sky turned dark and a serious storm was imminent - here's video from our ride back to camp. After I stopped filming the sky opened up and we got soaked. The result of this storm was no power in camp for 2 days (9 poles were struck by lightning) and a serious fire at another camp about 2 miles away.
This video is a little lengthy but I think the sky and lightning is really cool to watch...

I'm Baaaaack!

After a ridiculously long journey (about 34 hours door to door) I made it back to the good old USofA. It was a good trip - nothing really spectacular, but consistently good. Over the next few days I'll post some pictures and videos, but here's a breakdown of the group that I was with (written on the plane home):

I spent the majority of my trip traveling with 4 travel agents - here's a breakdown of my companions for most of my time away:

One woman is in her early forties and we were the last two people at the bar every single stop along the way, another woman is a little older and also cool; not exactly a big drinker but real fun and a good sense of humor. These were the cool people on the trip...

One Asian woman, who is the top salesperson at her company, is ridicurous (you heard me right Donna Chang). I don't know if she pretends to be dumb and is just having fun with the rest of humanity or if she's really slow... By far her best line of the trip was at one of the elephant sightings. We're in the safari vehicle, within 10 feet of about a dozen elephants. She taps our guide on the shoulder and points to one of the larger males of the group and asks, "is the elephant big?". Bitch, there's a two ton animal less then 5 yards from you and you need to ask if the elephant is big!

The real winner of the trip was the only male traveling with me for the last 10 days - a 22 year old Chinese guy from Toronto. There's no way to explain him so I'll just give 4  quick examples of this dweeb:

1) We're sitting at camp in Zimbabwe drinking and looking out at the water hole. He jumps up and goes "Oh my god!" - this 'oh my god' was on the level of my oh my god following the Tyree catch in the super bowl, I thought he just saw a lion kill an impala or something. The other 4 of us go what? what do you see? His reply (in the gayest high pitched voice): do you see that baboon? I've never seen a baboon drinking before. Awww.

2) while on a game drive with everyone he says 'how cute are you' while taking a picture of a baby elephant. I must admit it was cute but you don't talk to a picture of an animal. Ever. Especially like that.

3) during dinner at The Boma a face painter comes around - puts an elephant on one of the ladies, a giraffe on another then starts to work on this guy. He stops her after one stroke and says "can I please have a honey badger?". A honey badger? Really? The face painter just looked at him like 'are you fucking kidding me you toolbox?'. She put a zebra on his face...

4) we were up pretty late at the bar on the train and I throw out the favorite movie of all time question. His response (in this order): District 9, Toy Story 3, Lion King. This is a 22 year old male!!! I actually laughed because I thought he was kidding, but after a moment it was clear that he wasn't. Cue awkward silence...

Riding in Style

After our brief visit to Victoria Falls we headed back to Johannesburg aboard Rovos Rail, the most luxurious train in the world. To describe myself as pampered aboard the train during the 3 day journey would be an extreme understatement. We drank great South African wines and Jack from about 10am - midnight each day, enjoyed gourmet meals, and watched the beautiful southern Africa landscape pass by as we made our way from Zimbabwe through Botswana to South Africa. The staff is so attentive and friendly that I'm pretty sure one of them would've wiped my ass had I asked.
When we arrived Johannesburg I said goodbye to my group (more to come on them, especially the one real winner, in a future post) as they made their way to the airport to head back to the USA. I had a few more days in South Africa to tend to other business (not drugs or blood diamonds........ Unfortunately).

Zimbabwe

After South Africa I traveled to Zimbabwe, where I spent three nights. The first two nights were at an amazing safari lodge called The Hide in Hwange National Park. We saw at least 1000 (yes, that's one THOUSAND) elephants during our time at the Hide! We also got to see plenty of giraffes, zebras, monkeys, antelopes, etc. but the elephants were definitely the highlight. As soon as I'm home I'll post some videos that I took.
Following The Hide we had a three hour drive to Victoria Falls. This was my fourth visit to 'the falls' but it's the first time that I've been there between Sept - Nov (dry season); the difference in the water level and the amount of water flowing over the falls is unbelievable. It's still gorgeous this time of year but completely different.
While in Vic Falls we had dinner at an iconic restaurant called The Boma. It's an incredibly fun experience - they put you in traditional African dress, paint your face, have traditional Zulu drummers & dancers, etc. They also give you a drum and have you follow the beat and then come up to the stage and dance and there's a witch doctor that throws bones and tells you your future - all good fun. The highlight however is the food. They have some 'unique' options on the buffet including: eland, ostrich, kudu, warthog, impala, crocodile, and the most outrageous - mopane worms (pronounced muh-pah-nee). Warthog was by far my favorite and I did try the worm (I even have a certificate to prove it), don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon...

South Africa

I've spent my last three nights in South Africa - the first two on safari in the Waterberg region (Northern part of the country, not too far from the Botswana border) & last night in Johannesburg.
The safari portion was cool - saw all the big animals I usually see with the highlight being a cheetah eating a freshly caught impala, really good stuff! We also took a short helicopter ride over the game reserve - what an incredible experience. FYI - animals are quite scared of low flying helicopters.
Last night in Johannesburg was par for the course for my visits there - meetings, hosted dinner at a nice restaurant, and finally whiskey and Cuban cigars.
I'm at the airport now waiting to board my flight to Livingstone, Zambia. From there I will be heading to Zimbabwe for another safari and to visit Victoria Falls.

Pretty anticlimactic I know, sorry about that. But nothing very significant or outrageous has gone down yet on this trip. I will have some pics to post, but it will have to wait until I'm back in NY b/c I can't do that from my iPad.

Camel Jockeys & Belly Dancers

I wrote this about 36 hours ago, but just got the opportunity and time to access the Internet (btw, how the fuck do the Giants lose at home to Seattle???):

I'm at the Dubai airport waiting for my flight to Johannesburg following a quick visit to Dubai. It's 3:15am local time and I've gotten minimal sleep the last three days (approx 9 hours).
Dubai was really cool! We went to the observation deck of the world's tallest building - The Burj Khalifa - and then did a city tour seeing the incredible contrasts of new and old.
After a quick lunch and a meeting we embarked on our 'desert safari' - what this entails is the following:
A psychotic Indian man picks you up at your hotel in a 4x4 vehicle, drives you 45 minutes outside the city into the desert, and then proceeds to drive up, over, and through huge sand dunes. They call this dune bashing. After this you watch a falconer do his thing ('I should've gotten a falcon'); go on a camel ride; visit a mock Bedouin village and enjoy dinner; then finally you're entertained by a belly dancer.
It was a busy and quick trip to Dubai and now I look forward to getting back to the Motherland and on safari.

The Only Place Faker than Vegas...

I'm in the Emirates business class lounge (they have incredible French toast!) waiting to board my flight to Dubai. Been there once before and I'm not too excited to go back - it's cool to see but, in my opinion, very overhyped.
Oh, we have lots of money and lots of desert let's build a ridiculous city. Cool.
I am staying at a brand new hotel that's supposed to be real nice and we're doing some other cool stuff while I'm there so I'm sure it'll be fine.
I'll do my best to avoid getting caned.

I'm in Dubai for 2 days, then I head down to South Africa on Monday morning.
That's all for now. As soon as anything blogworthy happens and I have Internet you'll hear from me.

On the Road Again

After being spoiled with a month at home I'm taking to the road (actually air) once again. I'm at the airport lounge waiting to board my flight to Minneapolis. After a quick stint in the twin cities to attend an event tomorrow evening I'll be back home for a day before departing Friday for a two and a half week international trip.
The moral of the story is - if you haven't spoken to me in the past couple of weeks and have something that you need to tell me you best be calling me before Friday...